Kick in the Pants Therapy (Sample Article #2)
STATE OF THE ART MENTAL HEALTH CARE REFORM:
PUTTING MONEY FIRST - A CAPITAL IDEA
It used to be that medicine was considered a calling, not a trade. Therapists were able to focus their attention on improving the quality of life for those in their practice. This allowed the remainder of the population to devote their attention to improving the quality of the small pieces of coloured paper in their lives. This was unfortunate, because the pieces of paper themselves were not that unhappy. The current state of mental health funding indicates that the traditional approach needs to be updated. Therapists now need to join the rest of society and give direct attention to the small coloured pieces of paper.
The practices of Psychiatry, Psychology, Social Work and Rehabilitative Medicine have developed light years beyond what was available when most dignitaries were emblazoned on their country's currency. A comprehensive assessment and treatment plan for these individuals would no doubt improve their circumstances.
U.S. $50 - ULYSSES S. GRANT
Ulysses S. Grant, born Hiram Ulysses Grant, changed his name in order to avoid his initials spelling H.U.G., which is unfortunate because he could use one. He is a very heavy smoker and drinker, and as an old soldier clearly could use some exercise - like marching through some 12 Step programs. He needs vocational rehabilitation because up until the time of the Civil War he failed at every job he attempted. Lastly, a dietary consultation would encourage him to improve on his favourite breakfast of cucumber soaked in vinegar.
U.S. $1000 - GROVER CLEVELAND
Grover is the second heaviest president to ever serve office and duly earned the nickname, "Uncle Jumbo." He gave early credence to the hereditary theory of obesity when the "Baby Ruth" chocolate bar was named for his daughter. A behavioural modification program and reducing diet are clearly in order. Leisure counselling is also indicated, as he refused to admit the State of Hawaii to the Union.
U.S. $20 - ANDREW JACKSON
Andrew Jackson, a rough and ready sort, has the nickname "Old Hickory" as much for his toughness as for the way he smells. Not only did he order spittoons for the White House, but single-handedly subdued the first would-be presidential assassin with his own cane. He is badly in need of pharmacotherapy for his Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Additionally, with the wildest and most destructive inauguration on record, he and his gang need psychotherapy for their Group Type Conduct Disorder.
CANADIAN $10 - SIR JOHN A. MACDONALD
Sir John A. MacDonald has been known to tip the bottle on more than a few special occasions. He and his crapulent clan went on a cross-country bender that ended up ordaining them as the Confabulating Fathers of Confederation. A 28 day residential program would suit Sir John nicely. His wife describes him as having pronounced mood swings, thus a mood stabilizer would help even out his manic sprees and depressive frugality. When visiting England to wrest the Dominion of Canada from the Monarchy, he and his merry band shot at the British public with peashooters. Accordingly, an interpretation of the Oedipus Complex would benefit Sir John.
CANADIAN $50 - WILLIAM LYON MACKENZIE KING
King, who conducts sťances, regularly speaks to the dead, and feels he is guided directly by God, could clearly be helped by an antipsychotic. He remains unmarried, and counts as his only friends the British mediums who conduct his sťances and a series of terriers all named Pat. Social Skills Training would enable him to interact with others in a more appropriate way. He is also a muddler of almost supernatural skill, and would be helped considerably by Assertiveness Training.
CANADIAN $100 - ROBERT BORDEN
Robert Borden, a classic type 'A' workaholic, is a one ulcer man holding down a four ulcer job. His vain efforts in cycling to work do not compensate for his compulsive tobacco chewing. He complains of lumbago, neuritis and sciatica and clearly needs help for his Somatization Disorder. He switched political alliances early in his career to spite his family, and group therapy could help him temper his rebellious instincts.
The immediate introduction of the various therapeutic modalities listed here is sorely needed. It is hoped that once on the road to recovery, the small coloured pieces of paper will once again exhibit their previous vitality and resume circulation.